Jjong Apologizing to Fans for SSK

cr. shineekey and hellomeisiris

wow. these fans make me so sad. As if I wasn't in a bad mood already. Wow. Jonghyun has a life you know. It's a great thing to fall in love. It totally changes your perspective on life, and gives you someone that really cares for you and helps you through your tough times. Jjong looks almost as if he is about to cry. Think about Shin Se Kyung. She must be feeling even worse, since Jjong is so talented and like, she has more haters than adorers <is that the right term? o.0>. Jjong has to be strong for her, and yet he's caving in on the inside. Even his band members seem kinda >.> about it to him. It's so sad. This is the time he should be happy. I really hope this blows over quickly. He's a person. Even though fansites and all have closed down, they shouldn't have. Hopefully new fans can fill in the gap soon. I feel so bad for him. :(

Swearing

I approve of swearing only rarely, and when you means it. I roll that way. It makes it that much more meaningful.

inspired by: hellomeisiris

ps. this post was actually in connection to the post right before this one about Blingers [click here to see it], but like, it's a diff topic, so i thought it should have its own post. (:

Blingers

Bling Bling Jonghyun's followers! xDDDDD YAYS
cr. hellomeisiris

What if Kpop Idols Go Online

My super awesome fellow blogger from tumblr, hellomeisiris has inspired me again. This time, she wonders what will happen when kpop idols go online. Heck. I wonder the same thing. Will they be freaked out by the amount of love, or will they go "kyaa, everyone loves me"? Sadly, I think it's going to be the former. It's all well-meaning, but it's too much a lot of the time. Jjong got hurt by his fans in Indonesia, and can't even dance yet. Sigh. Jjong is also a netizen as well. Oh goodness. Uh-oh.

Starting Anew

Some people don't get that that means forget the past and just focus on the future. Just because we had a bad past together, doesn't mean that you have to take it out onto the future. I liked your tumblr, and I followed it. You obviously liked what you saw, and followed me. Later, you unfollowed me cuz I was me. Thanks. I'm not mentioning any names, because that's just mean, but you know who you are.

Blogging!

I'm gonna write a post about blogging! YAY! This is what I wrote for the college essay prompt 'what do you do in your free time.'

“Your blog post published successfully!” I see these words once a day, even a few times a day. Blogging has become my favorite past time ever since I got a blog. Every time I have something to say, my blog is always there to listen to me. I can crack jokes, or rant about how bad my day was. Not only does it listen, but it replies as well. Other people can ask me questions and follow me. I don’t necessarily have to know their identities or their pasts, but they’re still considered my friends.

Followers: <3 you all!

Let's Go - Various Artists G20 Seoul Summit Campaign Song

This song is one of my favorites ever. I first heard this song because jjong from Shinee is in this song, and I was listening to the few lines he had. This song is so inspirational. It gives courage to globalization of the business, and having everything come together in peaceful harmony. Whenever I'm working and feeling like I can't see the lgiht at the end of the tunnel and this song comes up, I can't help but smile. It GMH to keep on working, and finish.
Though I often claim that I choose songs for their beats and how catchy they are, the theme gets to me too, however subconsciously. That's why the implications in American songs often make me frown. Kpop is so much better in that way, and the beats arent bad either. Thank you for such inspiration Korean artists. (:

Onew + Minho Photoshoot

I'd known about their W Magazine photoshoot for the Jan. 2011 issue for a while now, though the vid that was online was in Korean and I was too lazy to find eng sub for ages. Today, I found the eng sub, and damnnn both of them were hot.

The black and white of it made it like faded and preserved in brilliance, with the prestige of an artifact, and the clarity made it like acclaimed. Their hairstyles are amazing, and since I usually fall for guys with small eyes anyways, and Onew's eyes were like long and thin, with a smoldering gaze shooting out of them, I was like aofnafkapfa for the longest time. And their lips, I recently noticed that they have this like bronze-ish, silvery thing on them, and that it makes them look like statues and elegance. Then, there was the artistic positioning and the newfangled clothes, that made them look so extraordinary. GAH. Finally, there was the bgm, which is just f-ing amazing. YES. omg. It's like scratchy, but lyrical at the same time. I totally like their photoshoot. YES. HOPE YOU CAN TELL. And so, I was reading the subs, and Minho and Onew were talking about what a true man is. Minho gave an enlightening answer, being the quietly smart, book-y type, and Onew, being the silly one, said a guy who doesn't lie, which is a great trait. AHAHAHA. YES ONEW, that's so true. xDDD He's so funny, and his silliness goes everywhere, even when he is all hot-looking in the photoshoot. oafnaewfae okay heres the actual vid. ENJOY! xDDDD

ZE:A - All Day Long

Thanks to hellomeisiris on tumblr [name is a link], I have rediscovered ZE:A. When I first heard Mazeltov, I thought it was okay, but the way they chant the days of the week make the song a bad homework song, because I can't concentrate while listening to the song. hellomeisiris had a bar on the bottom of her page with All Day Long by ZE:A. That song, was brilliant. I just searched up the english lyrics to the song, and they exaggerated, and so sad. It made me think of my bf, and how complicated it is with him right now.



I know I didn't give out everything I had to him, because I'm used to not doing that, and I'm working on recreating myself right now. I hate that I wasn't a good gf, and I know that you have every right to get a better person, someone who will take care of you. Even then, please give me another chance. I'm learning, and I can't promise to be the epitome of perfection, but I will try my best to be better. I'm really miss you.

Telepathic Communication Via the Interwebs

during chatting
me: "telepathic communication via the interwebs"

aka implying things while chatting via internet xDDD doink.

Chopsticks at Whole Foods

Yes, you read right. When we go to Whole Foods, we forego the plasticware for the chopsticks. WE IZ ASIAN. WOOT.

Jessica (SNSD) ft Onew (SHINee) - One Year Later Eng Lyrics

One Year Later (English Translation) 
It feels like I've been dreaming for a long time
I've wandered and wandered around for a while
As if we made a promise
Standing here in front of each other like that day from four seasons ago
Those beautiful stories that we wrote down together
Those eternal promises that we prayed for at that time
They're all coming back to me now and I don't think my heart can take it
I've even restrained myself at the thought of you
How has your one year been

For a long time, I've been living, having forgotten of you
For a while, I thought I was doing fine
However I started to realize it as time passed by
That I am nothing without you
At that time, if only we had been a bit more mature
If only we knew how we would be right now
I have no confidence in overcoming these endless regrets
So I've had to just repress them
One year has passed like that

Could your feelings perhaps be the same as mine?
Will you give me another chance?
I know now that we can never part from each other
The one person I love and love again

I wish we can go back to our first days
To the beautiful, happy and loving days
Those heart-breaking stories and vain arguments
Just bury all of that now
And promise that we won't take them out again
No matter how many seasons pass and how many years go by
I hope that we won't meet like today again

cr: http://www.wonderfulgeneration.net/2009/07/snsd-one-year-later-lyrics.html

Both their voices are so beautiful. <3333 This song is another sad song, it makes me think what we could have become if I didn't do so many things I regret now. So, can we?

CocoRosie - Beautiful Boyz

Lyrics to Beautiful Boys :

Antony :
Those, those beautiful boys
Those, those beautiful boys

Cocorosie :
Born illegitimately
To a whore, most likely
He became an orphan
Oh what a lovely orphan he was
Sent to the reformatory
Ten years old, was his first glory
Got caught stealing from a nun
Now his love story had begun

Thirty years he spent wandering
A devil's child with dove wings
He went to prison
In every country he set foot in
Oh how he loved prison
How awfully lovely was prison

Antony :
All those beautiful boys
Pimps and queens and criminal queers
All those beautiful boys
Tattoos of ships and tattoos of tears

Cocorosie :
His greatest love was executed
The pure romance was undisputed
Angelic hoodlums and holy ones
Angelic hoodlums and holy ones

Antony :
All those beautiful boys
Pimps and queens and criminal queers
All those beautiful boys
Tattoos of ships and tattoos of tears

All those beautiful boys
Pimps and queens and criminal queers
All those beautiful boys
Tattoos of ships and tattoos of tears

All those beautiful boys
Beautiful boys...
All those beautiful boys
Beautiful boys...

Those beautiful boys...

Antony :
Those, those beautiful boys
Those, those beautiful boys

Cocorosie :
Born illegitimately
To a whore, most likely
He became an orphan
Oh what a lovely orphan he was
Sent to the reformatory
Ten years old, was his first glory
Got caught stealing from a nun
Now his love story had begun

Thirty years he spent wandering
A devil's child with dove wings
He went to prison
In every country he set foot in
Oh how he loved prison
How awfully lovely was prison

Antony :
All those beautiful boys
Pimps and queens and criminal queers
All those beautiful boys
Tattoos of ships and tattoos of tears

Cocorosie :
His greatest love was executed
The pure romance was undisputed
Angelic hoodlums and holy ones
Angelic hoodlums and holy ones

Antony :
All those beautiful boys
Pimps and queens and criminal queers
All those beautiful boys
Tattoos of ships and tattoos of tears

All those beautiful boys
Pimps and queens and criminal queers
All those beautiful boys
Tattoos of ships and tattoos of tears

All those beautiful boys
Beautiful boys...
All those beautiful boys
Beautiful boys...

Those beautiful boys...

cr: www.lyricsmania.com

This song is so beautiful and unique, yet it carries such a sad story. I know this sounds cliche,  but it kinda makes my heart break a little. Since I found this song in relation to the W photoshoot done by Onew and Minho, I now wonder how those boys really are behind their stage presence. I know my outside and inside selves are totally different. Sometimes, I wish that I could only tell the truth, and only be nice, like in that Uglies trilogy. I wouldn't be able to conceal anything, and if people liked me, I would be confident that they really liked me, not something I totally made up.

"the world is under one roof"

I was flipping through google to find some ideas for the NYU supplement about who you would bring to a special place and why, and I saw this answer by eye-queue (IQ):

"...

Yes..you guessed right..

she is my long time friend and I wish to make a journey with her to climb upon Mount Everest...to show her that the world is under one roof...

...."

d'awww thats so sweet (:

Underestimation: The Interwebs of Connectivity

I always heard that fb connects people from different parts of life, and I was like meh. But now, I found that it actually does. I had a friend from a totally different district that I really liked being around before, and we lost contact after class ended. I had her on fb though, and so we reconnected just these few days past, and I had such a blast. It's amazing how much we missed being together! <3

Whatdoido

"whatdoido": hahaha i thought it was an onomatopoeia at first, i guess not, i still like the shape/feel of the word though (:

The Law of Invisible Things by Frank Huyler

A brilliant book. One that I would recommend, though it has a bunch of gore that might not be for the squeamish. Enjoy. Find a summary online if you want to know more, cuz I'm too lazy to tell about more. Or, better yet, find the book and read it. xDD

Finding Names in Songs [Specifically My Own xDD]

on the SM posted shinee lucifer mv

"I always like it when Minho start to rap
because he said my name at the end, "Nanda!"
3:01
u hear that !? hear that!? XDD
Nanda1777"

so like ss501 has a song called "One", and since my name sounds like a word in the english language, i pretend they say my name in the vid and apparently, im not the only one that does that KYAAAA xDDD

viva la spudgy shirt! <3
THAT IS ALL! xDD
ss501 acronyms: fart, smelly, wet xDDDD

so happy they came as most sexayyy cuz im a ex triple s (:

miss a: you're a "jogging pants thief!" what a mouthful xDDD oh <3 their stories xDD

run devil run: hahah girl version running man = okay hahahah xDDD

miss a dancing = awesome [thats why jjong likes them] (no cheating on your gf kiddo xDD)

beast: i just commented on this like exact same thing this morning [or actually earlier this afternoon, cuz i dun wake up till 11.00, but anyways] b2st like makes sense. their dances do match the lyrics/title of songs, and they bring out emotion ALSO theyre super good at dancing and being super good looking (: <333 beast

the shock toilet scene: i think and hope that was a water bottle thing xDD

suju: the "manly housechore anthem" xDDDD definitely am gonna put on some bonamana next time i do something impt xDDD and that also explains why men dont do dishes xDD

GAH I <3333 SHINEEE WOOT.

Fanfic: Home

 Fanfic: http://lady-hanaka.livejournal.com/47026.html

This fic was so short and sweet, I just copied the whole thing. Original text in italics, per usual. Credits: lady_hanaka

Summary: Home has never been one specific place, but one specific person. that person makes things special, with special memories (:
---


The blanket is warm, almost suffocating. Nichkhun rolls over and makes sure the blanket is covering his head—covering everything from his toes to his blonde hair. He smiles to himself as he basks in the feeling of being safe, cocooned in a down-feather coverlet. I remember being a kid and making tents for myself, those were so fun (:

It is a gift from home, and he cherishes it. When he lies here like this, half-asleep, he breathes in deeply and he feels as if he were back in Thailand. He can smell the spices from the foods his mother cooked that settled into the fabric. He likes that his mother made the coverlet herself, that it is not store-bought, because then it would smell only of the plastic it had been stored in. D'aww a mother's love in it, and it smells like home (:

And so he closes his eyes and imagines home and he can almost feel it.
There is movement under the covers, and a warm hand—hotter than the stagnant air beneath the coverlet—slides up his back.
Nichkhun rolls over and settles against the warmth—it crawls atop him, covering him, smothering him with the heat of skin and the smell of shampoo and sweat. And this new heat surrounds him as a puff of air brushes his ear and tickles him, “Good morning.” The voice is husky with sleep, scratchy like a cat’s purr. sharing the love = even better, because love is endless (:
And Nichkhun smiles wider.
He is not in Thailand. His mother is not downstairs cooking him breakfast. He is in Korea.
But he is with Minho…and because of that, Nichkhun feels very much at home. D'awww I <3 flufff, it makes me so happy, imagine waking up like that, simply happy.

BEAST - Lights Go On Again English Translation Lyrics

[JUNHYUNG] Yes sir, lights go on again
Keep on and on and on, on and on and on
I continued to wonder in the midst of the long darkness
So that I can reach that spot that will touch the one string of light
Now that my time is here, I will take a short breath
And stand confidently in front of you all
[HYUNSEUNG] No matter how hard it might be, even if I fall from being tired
The light that shines on me again
[KIKWANG] Even if I want to give up, if I want to run away
The lights that shines brighter towards me
[DONGWOON] When the lights turns on and it shines on me again
It makes me rise again oh
Lights go on again lights go on again
[YOSEOB] When the lights shine on me and it wakes me up once again
It moves my heart again oh
Lights go on again lights go on again
[DOOJOON] Oh lights go on again
Oh oh lights go on again yeah
Oh lights go on again
Oh oh lights go on again on again
[JUNHYUNG] This time will pass again and if it passes by again I will just laugh it off
It is okay even if my body is tired, I'm not the only one tired, it happens to everyone
But, if my heart is damaged or closed, or it is hurt by a scar it can't handle
I don't know what to do then
I might not be able to stand in front of all of you again.
[HYUNSEUNG] Even in the hardest of the days and in the frozen time
You continue to brighten the light on my exhausted self
[KIKWANG] Endlessly you continue shine
That light on me brighter and stronger
[DONGWOON] When the lights turns on and it shines on me again
It makes me rise again oh
Lights go on again lights go on again
[YOSEOB] When the lights shine on me and it wakes me up once again
It moves my heart again oh
Lights go on again lights go on again
[DOOJOON] Oh lights go on again
Oh oh lights go on again yeah
Oh lights go on again
Oh oh lights go on again on again
[DOOJOON] Oh lights go on again
Oh oh lights go on again
Oh lights go on again
Oh oh lights go on again on again

cr: GayoMusic1

These lyrics speak to lots of people. They really do. It's like, I want to be in the spotlight, and once I get there, I'm exhausted, but it's the price for fame. Your love keeps me going. I dunno. Whenever I do something good, I'm exhausted, but I need to keep producing, and praise from others keeps me going. Is that a correct interpretation? It's kinda weird. >.>

I like BEAST feelings a lot. Their ballads are full of emotion. Some songs are over my head though? >.> Gah what am I babbling about. Later.

OnTae

Oh I've missed pairing these Shinee guys up all the time on yt (:

JONGYU (:

Such blatant ninja jongyu! xDDD Onew's awesome as always!(: [unintended flail alliteration showing how A+ Onew is xDD]

Phyysaxxx Website

http://grantkot.com/MPM/Liquid.html

 It's cool. Check it out. (:

More Fanfic Comments

 Fanfic: http://hazellicious.livejournal.com/12463.html

For someone like Lee Taeyeon, second chances are equivalent to wishful thinking.
But then again, they always did say be careful of what you wish for.
I have this thing for summaries. They always create a certain mood for me. Like this one is hope. 

"foreign tension": kudos (: not a combo you see everyday xD

Licking her gloss-covered lips and glaring down at the high uncomfortable fuck-me heels she had to wear, she whirled around, deciding to drop by the manager's office before jumping to any silly conclusions.
"gloss" :O oh showbiz, poor shinee boys are basically girls, and jjong and his licking, he must digest a bunch of it xDDD
"fuck-me heels" im never gonna see stilettos the same way again

Fury, combined with stubbornness and baseless pride, overpowered her usually so peaceful personality. He, Kim Jonghyun-sshi as she mentally noted, probably came here just to humiliate her even further; by personally coming to see how low she had sunk. Taeyeon felt adrenalin coursing through her veins, a much needed confidence boost and she threw her head back, long caramel tresses cascading over her bony shoulders...
how i know that feeling with a passion.

Yes, Taeyeon was going to put on her best act and prove to Jonghyun-sshi, that even though she had to take her clothes off for a living, she still had some dignity. She wasn't going to run away or show any sign of weakness.
Thousands of memories flashed behind her closed lids- how she had to concentrate in dancing class, with her previous group, how her knees shook as the crowd roared for them, how she had stared at herself in the mirror while trying to master a complicated move...
It all came back to her.
Her jaw stiffened with resolve as her grip on the bar tightened. Boldly, she met the man's daring gaze.
Years of practice had paid off nicely- her body moved fluidly as she did full waves, gracefully sliding against the pole. Taeyeon was never one to use moves that were too slutty, she didn't need to. Her eyes flashed with pure joy as she tried more complicated steps- a bitter reminder of how much she had loved dancing.
kyaaa, you go girl (:

while nuzzling into her messy strands of hair. She felt warm, soft and real
a somebody. a real person, with feelings, that matter. really.

with a real storyline, thats actually legitly amazing (:

Big Bang News

So I just looked up the lyrics for Move by Taeyang in the Solar album. It's really. graphic. ugh. Isn't kpop supposed to be more about no swearing, and showing the love, not the pervy i want your body way? >.> thanks. well. The lyrics [eng translation] can be found at http://innercharm.blogspot.com/2010/07/taeyang-move-lyrics-with-english.html.

Yea. Another thing. GDragon is going out with Sohee? Yay. Gosh, so many kpop celebrities are letting their private lives out in the open. It's probably from that Jonghyun & ssk thing? I guess they have the right to, I mean, fangirls don't really like it, but yea. We're fans. We should be happy that they're happy. Yea. I dunno why I'm so sad. When Onew gets a gf, I'll be like WAHHH super happy for him.

Blog Comments

So a friend told me that she really liked how I "analyzed" fanfiction, so I know it sounds stupid, but I've decided to get more posts like that. Yay! If you know/wrote this fanfic, yay for you. I only comment on fanfic that I like. Therefore feel honored. Don't go WTF, cuz I know it's awkward that someone random is following you, but its the internet, things are easy to find. I know how it feels, and its creepy, but I won't bite. Don't you worry [brown eyes].



Fanfic: http://flyintoheaven.livejournal.com/14014.html#cutid1

As you walked down the aisle of tables to the spot reserved for you in front of the class, everyone turned their attention to you. You weren’t used to this kind of attention – and wouldn’t be for years – and your cheeks were burning up fast. Straightening your essay, you took a deep breath.
Taemin is walking to do his speech. The word "aisle" made me think he's getting married. It totally works, what with the "spot reserved for you in front of" everyone. Awww Taeminnie is growing up fast! :D

“What I want to be when I grow up,” you began. The class still looked bored, with a guy at the back of the class falling asleep, his drool forming tiny puddles on the heavily vandalized class table. “A dancer.”
“My parents said that when I was still in my mother’s womb, I would kick her hard, as if I was dancing inside of her. When I was a small boy, my feet would start to tap whenever music came on. As I grew older, my passion and interest in dance only grew stronger. I cannot stop thinking about dancing. I breathe dancing. Just like how people have to walk, dancing is like walking for me, and I always have to dance.”
He looked up for a moment before he continued. He had some of them captured, but others were still uninterested, writing notes to each other as he spoke.
“I want to share my talent with the world. I want more people to appreciate dance for what it truly is; it is more than a series of movements with your limbs. It is about expressing yourself through how you move, how you spin, how your glide. When I dance, I am sucked into another world where nothing else matters. A world where all my troubles are temporarily forgotten, and my focus is fully on my dancing. Step by step, I get better at dancing everyday. I hope that my talent will be enough to lead me to somewhere great, and I hope I get to do what I enjoy most for the rest of my life.”
I'mna stop switching italics to normal and normal to italics, all quotes will be in italics for simplicity's sake. Gah. Anyways. So adorkable. Though he does kinda sound sappy. Sorry shawols, but i really would have one of the rebels flipping him off in the back row. >.>

To: Mr. Lee Taemin

Dear Mr. Lee Taemin,

We are glad to inform you that your audition to enter SM Entertainment as a trainee has been successful. The interviewers were impressed with your performance at the auditions earlier this month.

Please report to the SM Academy on Monday, 19 July 2006 at 0900 hours for your registration and briefing. Your parent/guardian(s) are to accompany you to sign parental forms of consent to your entering the company, as you are still a minor.

Congratulations on entering SM Entertainment. As a company with a strong history of producing strong and widely successful singers and bands, we are pleased to have you as a part of our company. We assure you that under our rigorous and strict training program, you will be able to further develop your talent in dance as well as in other areas.

After registration, all successful trainees are to report at the SM Academy on 1 August 2006 at 1300 hours for the start of your official training program.


Wishing you all the best,
이수만
Lee Soo Man
CEO, SM Entertainment...
---
...From writing this story I've learnt that - one, Taemin being premature has nothing to do with the rest of the story and is totally redundant; two, i can't write acceptance letters for nuts; three, i admire taemin a lot for his passion and dedication to dance.

I actually like this acceptance letter. It gives me a fuzzy feeling inside. (: It might be because I've been working with a bunch of applying/auditioning and being accepted/denied. Go Taemin! (: I definitely" admire" seeing the "passion and dedication". It's hard sticking it out for something/someone else that strongly. He's got guts, especially when haters are so prevalent in society. You know who you kids are. -.-

Ending stuffs: Liked the idea and stuffs, though a bit of ooc, but everyone is kinda like that as a child. Meh.

Fanfic Comments

 From this fanfic: http://noraehaeyo.livejournal.com/31041.html#cutid
I never read fanfics within a few days of when they are posted, then I feel lonely posting so late. :(
Therefore I'm posting my feelings here. Obvious yaoi moments aside:

"Key doesn't show up the next day and nobody's really sure why. Taemin hypothesizes that he might be nursing a hangover, until Minho points out that Jonghyun drank more than Key did and he's remarkably vertical—Jonghyun's not sure if that's a compliment or not, so he chooses to ignore it, instead staring broodingly at the water and digging his toes viciously into the sand."
Jjong and Key are nursing burgeoning feelings for each other, and aren't really sure how to act around each other. Minho just points out obnoxiously that Jjong is short. Just to be obnoxious to the obnoxious shorty. xDDD

That shorty once said:
"But feel free to join our club for people who want to major in unemployment," Jonghyun contributes helpfully, earning himself a smack on the leg from Taemin and a look from Key that he's not sure whether to interpret as irritation or amusement. Probably both. "I hear it's a lucrative profession these days."
cuz they're studying the arts xDD

"Onew, ever the voice of reason..." Yay Onew's even more my type now (:


"Some of us," Key says in an incredibly dignified and snooty voice, "have obligations. Like jobs. A foreign concept to someone who's majoring in unemployment, I'm sure." The Key burn. The worst of the worst. LMAO.

"They spend that night on the beach in sleeping bags—even Key, though he'd required some cajoling and a trip home to get supplies. "I'm counting this as a victory," Jonghyun had informed him, and Key had quipped something about not even realizing they were fighting before booking it up the beach. Jonghyun, left standing in his wake, realized with a start that he liked this Key better, the snarky, sarcastic, subtly mocking but always with a sense of real amusement version that had emerged once they'd brought him out of his shell. It would have been so much easier if the opposite had been true."
I gotta admit. Those types get me more as well. xD

"'Are you going to talk to him?' Onew asks, before Key returns.
'I don't know,' Jonghyun says, shaking his head. 'I'm trying not to sweat it.'
Onew nods and leaves it at that, a small mercy for which Jonghyun is thankful—he isn't good under pressure, even well-intentioned pressure from his friends.Pressure makes him crack, little hairline fractures until he fucks up everything he's trying for—it's just kind of a habit, or a self-fulfilling prophecy. Either way, he's glad Onew left it alone."
Same. I can't act under pressure. It sucks. Gah.


"A lot of things," he says, staring up at the sky. "The city. The not-city." Key's quiet, apparently waiting for elaboration, and after a second Jonghyun sighs and continues. "It's nice out here," he says, which is an understatement, but there aren't really words in his vocabulary to explain how he feels about the sea. "It's… unhurried. Everybody in Seoul is always going somewhere fast, which is great if you're going somewhere fast too, but if you're not it's—"
"Exhausting?" Key finishes.
"Yeah, exactly. Sometimes I think, like, I got to this point of my life by blinking. I didn't really think about it, just did whatever everybody else was doing—good little robot, you know. And now I have to make all these choices for myself and I'm totally underequipped." Jonghyun draws himself up short, suddenly aware that he's been spilling his soul to a boy who's basically a stranger, but Key doesn't seem bothered—just contemplative, still propped up on one hand and still watching.
 I'm not changing double quotes to single quotes and double-quoting the whole thing anymore. It takes too long. Anyways, this is how I feel. School is such a mad rush, especially right before finals. If life is like this, I would really like to take a step back and have some time for myself. >.>

That night, when Onew and Minho and Taemin are asleep curled in their sleeping bags, Key rolls onto his side and props his head up on one hand and whispers, "You're not asleep, are you."
"How did you know?" Jonghyun asks.
"Your insomnia is loud," Key replies. It doesn't make any sense, but it's probably two in the morning and Jonghyun's not quite awake enough to question it, so he just says "Oh" and then falls silent. "What are you thinking about?" Key asks after a second, still watching Jonghyun in the dark.You, Jonghyun thinks.
Angst (not mine, of others), is such a thriller to me. Ohmigoodness.

"What?" he asks, perhaps a bit more sharply than he means to—Jonghyun's never really been a morning person, and one in the morning counts.
LOL ME TOO. I think I'm more jjong-like in terms of work habits/personality, though I like Onew-type people more. Wow opposites attract. I guess it's like, everything I wish I have, but I don't have.

"Onew hyung said you had something to talk to me about," Key says, shrugging one shoulder. "I just got off work, I didn't know you'd be asleep so early."

"Early?" Jonghyun splutters for a second, then subsides, because one in the morning is actually kind of early for a twenty-year-old in the prime of his staying-up-until-absurd-hours youth. "Okay," he says, and then processes the rest of the sentence—"Wait, Onew told you what?"
Heck yes. I stay up to random hours, then sleep till like noon, and wake up tired. Yes, why you ask? Cuz I slept at 5 AM. I've only been asleep for 7 hrs. xD

Random Spam

nsfw: not safe for "work" xD

one in a million: jjong fanclub and also, a statement xD, i saw a fanfic by this name as well :O

when a star dies, it creates a black hole, sucking all energy away with it -glee, so once you fail, don't suck everyone one else along with you

rl = real life, its too painful to spell full out

Jonghyun tries to catch up with him but ends up having the bag of Kibum weigh him down. "Kibum! YAH! What did you even put in here, your closet?" -key, the forever diva xD

an extremely romantic asshole = jjong -LOL

ficlets = tiny fics, like piglets! in winnie the pooh!

eunsook = female onew
minjung = female minho
gwiboon = female key [saw this one a lot. thought it was just another girl with a random, made-up name.]
junghee = female jjong
taeyeon = female taemin [always thought this was the girl from snsd. guess I was wrong.]

the rest of the names: i had no idea. wtf. this is reality. xDD

hyungwhore = minho, most of his friends are older guys xD

"No, hyung," Taemin says idly, "you can't die because then Jonghyun is leader and no one will ever get out of bed." The level of not really giving a shit in his voice is impressive.The level of not really giving a shit in his voice is impressive. - jinki has just seen !girlminho, and is hyperventilating (onew/minho fic), oh taeminnie, how you've grown!




Great words: HILARITY, FATALITY, AMAJJING

Jinki suspected that if the other man had a tail, it’s be wagging.: jjong the puppy

stubborn twerp = taemin when must back down to other bandmembers xD

I’m really bored, but I can’t sleep because Minho’s not home yet. I just want to apologize for arguing with him last night. I doubt he is coming home soon, so I’ve decided to do a wish-list while waiting for him. I know wish-lists are really girly stuff.  - Taemin the girl xD

srz biznuz = serious business, abbrevs ftw!

Onew Fanservice

OMA THIS VID IS OSM. And not only cuz onew is like, showing off. His smiles are like, contagious. And, the fangirls, the screams, they like, totally cracked me up. I couldn't stop laughing. Onew's having so much fun onstage. and the comments. omg. I'm like, typing in incomplete sentences. That's how insane I am after that vid xDDDD

Some Fav Comments:
"lol i love how you can tell why all the girls start screaming at certain parts and then Onew just gets a huge smirk on his face....he knows exactly what he's doing....lol" AHAHA AND. the smirk, is like a ginormous smile kekekeke

"love how his crotch area of the pant is black and the rest is colorful...lol"

"1:30 maaan, dubu oppa`s got muscles XD"

"O.O so that's what he's hiding under that shirt xD ABS!!..."

"oh my onew...you sure can jump high *mental blank*"

"Seriously they are trying to kill some fans. The teasing!"

"whats with the designer are they trying to make us look at their crotch....it's not that i mind.....*nosebleed* O.O hehehe<-------------------------PERVERT!!!!" ahahah we all used to be so innocent xD

"Minho LOLing all the time XD Haha, Onew seems so pleased after making the fans go all WAAAH~" WAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! <-- yes capslock abuse, cuz onew makes me incomprehensible in that way xD

"lol and this is the day Onew discovered JUST how sexy he is, lol. Little tease,..."

AND THERE'S MORE! Visit the vid on yt, and look at the comments! Plus, it's boosting the viewcount/boosting shinee to world domination! <3

Ghetto Electro

I so did not notice that they were spelling words in this vid. I guess my "only listening to the beat and not the lyrics cuz they often don't make sense" is going too far, and for the record they're spelling ghetto electro. Also, I knew they had real fangirls at the shooting, but like, they had stone-faced bouncers too? :O yea. I dont actually watch mvs/try to understand lyrics unless the group is called shinee <3.

OH. and I know all these cool facts cuz I watch Music Mondays with Eat Your Kimchi. They're incredible. Subscribe!

“Because you are my world.”

Fanfic source here.

Gah. That part.

"He leaned even closer to me, whispering in my ear once again.

Minho: “I love you.” I stared at him in confusion, as I realize he was answering the 14^th question on my wish-list. “I’ve told the world that I love you.”

Taemin: “But…”

Minho: “Because you are my world.” He looked at me and smiled.

“As for the 15^th point, close your eyes, Taemin.” I obediently close my eyes gently, not knowing what he is going to do."

 I <3 fluff. xDDT

Substitutions

Whenever I need something hard to write on, instead of using a clipboard, I use the closest hard surface. That includes furniture, like tables and chairs, but if those are not nearby, I grab any random book. It's usually a textbook, but large binders, dictionaries, and even boxes will do.

I just read a fanfic, http://community.livejournal.com/inkin_brushes/42721.html, and Jinki uses a packet of frozen peas as a substitute for an icepack. Brilliant. I always thought icepacks were kinda dumb. I mean, they're like, things that only serve the usage to stay cold. Anything can do that. Usually, I use a cold water bottle or something, or just fill a ziplock full of ice. Plus, icepacks are expensive, and break easily, no matter how strong the packaging is. Who cares if peas defrost. Just cook and eat them. Doink. It works.

A Very Glee Christmas

After watching the last episode of Glee that has come out, I'm here to spread some holiday cheer! Glee's right in saying that Christmas cheer is gone. We just all study for finals and we barely even go out with friends. I've barely even talked to anyone after break started. Saying "Merry Christmas" and "Happy New Year" have become awkward, even between friends. Life has made us forget that Christmas isn't a commercial holiday with presents and all, biut about the holiday spirit. When we went trick-or-treating and did a bit of caroling to get candy, I remember the smiles on the faces of people that opened the door, and I was really happy to know that I'd given them that smile. Singing is fun. I kinda want to join choir or something. Spread the cheer.

Memories, Hopes, and Song Lyrics

Link to Fanfic: http://perplexsense.livejournal.com/1171.html

Taemin: “You love the night view, huh, hyung?”
Jonghyun: “Yes. Yes, I do. It somehow brings back memories, hopes, and song lyrics to my head.”

I just read this from a fanfic. I remember when I used to be able to stare out the window and just be mesmerized by the cars going by the front of the home. I used to have so much time to myself. Then, I made mistakes. I hurt others, and being the prideful kid that I was, I didn't want to admit it. I didn't want to face it at all. Then, I tried to always live in the present, so that I wouldn't have to deal with the shady past, or the uncertain future. I started trying to be a social butterfly. Sports, leadership positions, grades, I had it all. On top of that, I knew about pop music, knew all the best hits, and chatted with a bunch of people all day. Now I regret not being able to have time to myself, just thinking. I used to think, sleeping = thinking. Not. I need time to just unwind. I remember those memories of the good, old days, when even though I wasn't the best social kid, and I didn't have social problems because I was barely social, but mind was so active. I explored so much, by myself, knew my limits, had hopes. I wanted to be queen of the world, princess, make my mark on society, and now, I just feel like I've killed my dreams. I always looked upon work ethic as easy, looked down on people who couldn't keep on top of things, and now what. I am what I despise. I was so good at choreography and song lyrics back then. I had my own thoughts. Now, I'm just an empty reflection of society. Now, when I have spare time, I want to also sit with a cup of hot chocolate, and sometimes, just stare. Just, remember the good times, and take a long walk down memory lane. Sigh. I've missed so much, just rushing by. I need to take a step back, and just relax. Fanfic lets me do that. Thank you, fanfic. <3 I need to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xCwqv9IeSYI&feature=fvst my life. Oh suju <3

This. Just. Made. My. Day. KYAA

fufufu

I was reading blogs, and i realized how sucky our generation is! When I see "fuuu", I don't think of the cute hyperventilating sound, "fufufu", but the swear words "F*** You" repeated a bunch of times over and over again. LMAO. xD

Jongyu

Gah. This is too sweet. (:

Such a Sad Song

This makes me grateful for everyone that has shown friendliness to me, either directly or indirectly, over the ages.

Hating.

I am incredibly bad. I wasted my entire winter vacation thus far on watching tv shows. I have more than enough to do, but I really can't bring myself to do so. The stress is killing me, and it's not making it better that my parents are haranguing me about finishing whatever needs to be done. I know. Great. Can I just have a break? I know I have a lot on my plate. In fact, I'm starting to act weird. I used to always finish whatever I was given to eat, but now I'm picky. I used to hate running, but now I feel like exercising? I used to be kinda meh about being silly, and now I want an impeccable shell around me? This morning I had a dream, and I was raising my voice to stop someone from shoving something at me, because I didn't want it. I actually screamed out loud in my sleep, apparently. Last last night, I apparently sleepwalked. WTF. I've never done that in my life. Apparently I sat up, turned on the light, and walked through the house, and did who knows what. Then, I came back to sleep. I have no recollection whatsoever about this. Looking at https://health.google.com/health/ref/Sleepwalking, I realized that these are exactly the symptoms of sleepwalking. This is creeping me out. I barely had any sleepwalking, if at all when I was a teeny little kid. I think. But, now it's starting? Am I that stressed out? I'm practically an adult now. I could drive and hurt someone or something, and it's starting to sound like a horror movie. I don't really like horror movies in general, cuz they still creep me out. I was scared by the movie The Ring. I really, dunno. I don't want to worry anyone, but what if it gets serious? I...maybe I should just see how it goes? >.> I really, am a mess, and the things I have to do are piling up. omg.

Racism

I was watching Glee today, and I really didn't like how they portrayed Sunshine. She was asian, so she had to have a Hello Kitty Backpack, the shortness, the accent, the everything that reeks of asian popstar. I dunno if she really is that stereotypically asian, but I know that even though I'm a diehard kpopper, I still don't act that asian. Ugh. It bugs me.

Gee

Hahaha I was reading another's blog, and the post was like, "if someone says "G", then I think of "Gee" by SNSD first". GEE GEE GEE GEE BABY BABY BABY GEE GEE GEE GEE BABY BABY BABY gah, it gets stuck in my head every time. I dun remember if I forgot and then just realized, or just never realized, that minho is in the gee mv! :O I just watched it, and there he was, a cute chubby, yet amazing child that can carry a snsd member xD, his charisma is as strong as always. (: Video below for your perusal.

Bromance

This. Makes me happy.xD

Eyesight

In our increasingly high tech community, more and more things need eyesight. The other four senses are rendered more and more useless. I have contacts, so I don't have perfect eyesight. On top of that, I don't have a regular sleeping schedule, so I do occasionally have days when everything seems blurry. Even though these days are annoying when I'm trying to focus on the board, these blurry moments do have their pluses. Since it takes longer for my eyes to adjust to things, I have to slow down my movements, and thus, my brain doesn't feel as rushed and tired as before. Plus, when things are blurry, it forces my brain to be empty, so I can make better decisions for myself. You know, when people can't see, their other senses are put into more use, so I can feel better. But, my head hurts after trying to concentrate to look for too long. -______________-

Some random quotes

READGASM: amazing word from a comment

"Being popular isn't all that great. You can never tell who your real friends are. People stare at me. I get used. Nothing in my life is private. And I'm not happy.": from a fanfic. It's true. Friends are precious.

"I never knew tofu could be hot.": Made my me. I was thinking of Onew, and this is what I came up with xD I want to use this to write a fanfic :O

"Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one? ": xDDD brilliance + snottiness

"But there was nothing, no arms and no whispers of 'Sorry' he realized would ever make him feel any better. Because this hurt was so raw, so unhinged, that nothing could cure it except time.": I've totally felt that. Compassion goes out to anyone who feels this. Time is amazing.

love-haigt relationship: the spelling of haigt. OSMNESS

"[Kibum] is intelligent but Jonghyun is just a dino looking daft. Or maybe a daft looking dino." ~fanfic YES. their character development. AND alliteration :D

"So would you hold me please, I’m trying hard to breathe, stop me from crying." From a song. I thought this was amazing, how it hints at vital bodily functions. The feeling is that important.

"seething puppy" + "puppy-teeth" = jjong: again, amazing character development

“You don’t have to believe in me. Just believe in the you that believes in me.”: YES. Taking it one step further. I like it. The amount of optimism is amazing.

UNWRAP ATTACK LOLL: This is an ad xD Even though i dislike ads, sometimes I gotta admit, they're funny. This little kid saw a present and had to unwrap it right then and there. reminds me of my childhood (:

"It makes him clutch onto the gun handle harder, aiming more precisely as he shoots the first bottle right in the middle, the glass shattering like his own heart." -Jinki when he fires his first shot in Middleman Fanfic, he's good at breaking hearts [the bottles], he's too soft and wants to man up, thus the amazing lucifer perfs.

"Currently a NEET(not employed, educated, or in training) and I spend my days interneting, sleeping, eating, toileting, and drawing. Seriously." -From someone's tumblr. Haha this describes my life as well. (:

"A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognised." -Oh shinee <3 I think all professions have this type of thing, its just that celebrities have it more exaggerated. Everyone wants the fame and all, and the amazingness of feeling accepted and loved, the sense of accomplishment, even if it entails sacrificing.

"I feel like it's a waste of time to blink my eyes. You know why? It's because during that time, I can't see you." - Onew. omg onew is so awesome <3His condition is so cute!

ICWUDT: I see[c] what you did tonight. comment on a pic of taemin in the practice room doing handstands, during lucifer promos. i assume he's unwinding from the day, (and so talented-ly!) This can also be used to describe other situations. xD

“I’m a slut because I’ll wear shorts and a tank top. I’m a bitch because I don’t let you push me around. I’m a liar because I won’t tell you everything. I’m stupid because sometimes I’m wrong. I’m ugly because my face isn’t perfect. I’m a whore because I like boys. I’m annoying because I’m not chill enough. I’m a loser because I’m not friends with your group. I’m fake because most of the time I’m happy. I’m weird because I’m not like you. I’m controlling because I get mad. I’m clingy because I like being around people. I’m fat because I enjoy the finer arts of food. I’m greedy because I like to be satisfied. I’m naive because I’m younger than you. I’m conceited because I’m proud of who I am. I’m rude because my manners aren’t perfect. I’m unappreciative because I don’t praise you. Don’t tell me who I am because I already know.” This is huge. wow. but it's true. one little thing can define a whole life. it scares me a little. what do i look like to the world? <selfish thinking, but still (i'm selfish, if you dunno already, plus this is my blog, where I whine and throw out all my problems, thanks for listening xD). Plus, people have tried to stop this, but many people without higher learning/the brains to figure it out themselves like me dun understand. gah. x.x

“If you can’t cry no matter how much you want to, it means your heart is crying for you.”: from a fanfic, with onew i presume. This is so sad. That tightness in the heart? it's your heart shuddering from sobbing. mm.

"'I’m not sure. But, whatever happens, we’ll be there for him. It’ll all turn out somehow,' He assured with a smile, which seemed to be enough for the maknae." Another shinee fanfic. This is so sweet. Everyone wants someone like that, deep inside. It's true. But, there's another thing. Do you deserve it. A guy once said this to me, and I felt so guilty, because I didn't feel like I deserved it. I am a wretched thing.

‘I just wished I had as much faith in those words as it sounded...’ ~minho in What If... fanfic: you do minho, you have faith! squishy lines really kill me, i realize.

"Lol, I'm glad I haven't failed at trying a light-hearted scene ^-^: YAY YOU HAVENT. To feel accepted, and acknowledge that, I like it.

"There's a reason those two are called dorks XD" ~Shiro: adorkable! (: gah <3 shinee

"He sat on one of the benches, watching idly as the water rose up high and fell down again on a never-ending cycle. He couldn’t help but wonder if he would be able to stand it. Rising to the point where your strength extinguishes, only to be brought back down. If it was him, he might have given up a long time ago." ~Onew in What If Fanfic: The little things in life make it worth living. I often stare out the window on a rainy or just balmy day, and that kind of image, hits home.

hyperactive puppy = jjong in What If fanfic xDD: ahh, jjong the puppy (: so cute (:

"Day and night, I'm always tired.
But at night, I stay up just late enough
Until I'm exhausted enough So I can fall into immediate slumber Because I can't stand to lie in my bed in a dark room Alone with my thoughts, for so many hours."  -Insomniatic thoughts: I know this is a song and all, and how yadayada, its showbiz, but like, I've done that before. I've tried to stop thinking about things, by stressing myself out. I've made myself do too much, take too many classes, do too many clubs, just so i could erase the pain. It works, but then the aftercrash. it's even worse. I cried.

Anatidaephobia: the fear that somewhere, somehow, there is a duck watching you. Great word. I like it. and, ducks reminds me of onew's duck call. I wanna squish onew's cheek right about now, he's so cute (:


“It's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance. It is the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance. It is the one who won't be taken who cannot seem to give. And the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live.”: A dancer. Reminds me of our school's dance team. It's so passionate, and showing that passion to the world, is...courage.

"'The harder you work, the luckier you get.' Thanks, Fortune Cookie": Friend's fortune cookie. It's true. You earn your luck. It's so motivational, and yet, reminds me of past failures. Hwaiting for the future though.

"kpop dumb-ifys you, but is fun to watch as entertainment": hahah so truee. My eyes like, glaze over. But, the super amazing happiness, is worth it.

"You try and you fail. You try and you fail. But, the only true failure, is when you give up trying.": A classic. It still gives me hope though.


"if looks could kill, imma be shooting shards of glass through your spleen -__-if looks could kill, imma be shooting shards of glass through your spleen -__-": ahhaha oh friends's status. I had a less bloody version of this before. its like, daring, cuz its so borderline creepy xD

"We were given: Two hands to hold, two legs to walk, two eyes to see, two ears to listen; but why only one heart?   Because the other one was given to someone else. For us to find!": d'AWWWW congrats to those who have found it, and to those that havent, please don't feel hopeless.

key of awesome: i dun remember what this was from. seriously. it could refer to a name of an amazing performance group, or, just that the almighty key from shinee is awesome (:

"Desperation is vulnerability." --friend. : it's true. So many times I've wanted to feel more empowered. I guess, this is life.

"They thought the dislike button was 'dis i like' LOL." Another classic. The yt classic. So there is no "dislike" button on yt anymore muahahah xD

"[you] always try to distance yourself so you don't get hurt"

SPOILER ALERT FOR EYES WIDE CLOSED FANFIC

I was just reading this fanfic, Eyes Wide Closed, and I found that Key in this fanfic acts a lot like me. The best quote is from the end, 

"always try to distance yourself so you don't get hurt"

 I do, do that. I, I've been hurt before when I gave myself totally up, and I don't trust anyone with my heart anymore. I keep it locked inside. Even when I'm with someone, friend, fellow classmate, even significant other, there is always that wall that I can't leap. I try to break down the walls, but I can't. There's just that last wall, that I can't break. I've tried, told myself that I should be more open, but like, when I talk, I slam the wall shut. No one can get near.

This is partially why I can't do well in lit, because I can't express emotions without tearing down walls. That's minor. The worst part is, people think I'm keeping stuff away, when I'm not. There was this one guy, I knew that he liked me. He showed me pretty obviously. I thought he was an okay guy. I just never had the guts to reply to his advances. I would not be able to meet his eye. He would stand in front of me, and I would stare at his back, willing him to turn around, but when he did, I'd just turn around myself. I dunno what to do.

Another guy. I stopped saying "I love you", because I couldn't just toss myself to one person so early in life. I can't. I want to, but I can't. It's a good precaution, but then again, I dunno.

Boyfriend

So we were going steady for a while, and now, it's sucking bad. I don't even know what to do anymore. I was asking a friend for advice, and I told her that I don't like my boyfriend. I actually had my doubts when I first got with him, and I knew the relationship wasn't going to last, but I was happy to have a bf all the same. Later, I took my friend's advice of breaking up if you aren't completely happy. That night, I told him that our relationship is not going anywhere. He took it as breakup, and we haven't talked since. I feel more and more empty. I'm really sorry, if you see this, it's talking about you, I just want to let you know that I actually miss you, and I can't contact you, cuz i never see you, and you're never online either. <3 you. I'll try to be a better gf from now on. I messed up badly the first time.

Being Nice

Before, I always thought manners were just there to be there. I thought they were fluff, that no one needed, and just made things confusing. I thought being mean, and "burning" others was cool, cuz it made you powerful. It made me feel superior, and more people followed me after that.

Now, I am different. Some people will criticize for no reason, just cuz they feel like it. No manners. It's just a joke. Well, others might be feeling especially down or something, and that might really hurt them.

I never thought of it this way, until it happened to me. And, it hurt baddd. I realized I have a really really soft interior, and I need others to protect me. My old friends know that, but others don't. They bite on me.

I just wanted to say, I'm sorry for anyone that I've hurt, unintentionally or intentionally, and that it was just a passing state of mind, I did not/don't mean anything by it. Please forgive me.

Kpop

These were extras from the MIT post, because it has harsh content, cuz I was just ranting, and I don't want anyone to be offended. It's "too soon" to post this now.

My interview was a failure, because the interviewer was an engineering kid that did not understand my passion for business. I talked, and he was just staring at me. At least have some emotion. Thanks. He just said, "oh, just intro yourself". At least ask some questions. When he had to ask questions, he followed such a logical flow it was excruciating. And, it made me look horrible. He also looked like I should be able to intro myself, without guidance. FYI I AM A HIGH SCHOOL KID THAT DOESNT DO INTERVIEWS EVERYDAY LIKE YOU DO. I could tell he was flipping me off, and was gonna write a generic interview form back to MIT. This totally ruins my chances for any acceptance from MIT, especially since my grades suck anyways.

Later, he asked me if I wanted to give my present to him to some other friend. WOW. I'm being nice, and that's what he does? Have some manners. Plus, he also said, "oh, if you cant make it out alive in high school, you won't survive in MIT". Well, guess what. I didn't want to hear that. AND, you don't need to assume that of me. I think you weren't much better either. Just saying.

I had high hopes for my MIT interview on Thursday. It didn't go so well. It was horrible to watch, especially since I had prepped so hard for this interview, and I really wanted to go to MIT. I had forgone going with my friends to Chipotle and watching Megamind that afternoon just so I could prep and dress well for the interview. I had everything planned out. When I got there, I was wearing heels and semiformal, and carrying a manila folder like a businesswoman, and this guy was wearing his biking clothes. WTH. This was a good learning thing, because I had to swallow defeat and feel hurt, because I'm usually successful. I found that I really don't like the feeling. Really.

I was just brewing within myself just now, these few days.I didn't really want to talk about it, because it was my own business, and just plain embarrassing. I was just watching Glee, and (yes I'm behind, I'm on season 1) Quinn and Finn were being rejected by their social class. They were not popular anymore. Before, when I was not really into the whole connections with friends thing, I was okay with popular people falling out of their groupies. It was out of my circle, and I didn't care. Now, there are so many bad rumors going around about me, and I want to feel good about my abilities again. I want to be accepted, into MIT, into friends, into everything. And I was, before, in middle/start of high school. Now, I'm not. I am, but I feel like I've fallen a notch. I'm not the amazing being I was before. I can totally sympathize with Quinn and Finn and how they feel. After being placed so high up there, it hurts more sharply than ever when we fall.

And, after that, I was watching some clips for SuJu, and they were so happy. (The video I was referring to is below.) I realized why I liked kpop. It's so overly perfect. So overly cheerful. I needed that in my life. I needed to escape reality. Disney does the same thing for me. I needed to escape. And kpop gave me that. I was groaning all day, and when I saw that, I just smiled. There was nothing else I could do. I know I've kinda called kpop kpoop, and I've bashed it to seem cool, but really, I like it. I do. It's so amazing, and I thank my fellow kpoppers to spazz over kpop with me. I don't know what I would do without all of you. I am going to make an effort to be nice with all of you, even when I feel down. Thank you everyone. <3

Rants

So I know I've been posting really annoyed angry posts lately, and I'm sorry to any readers out there. I'm having a bad time. My grades are probably gonna suck this semester, just cuz I couldn't bring myself to work, and I'm hating myself for it. It's raining buckets outside, and I hate humid, oppressive, rainy, sad weather. This is why I need to move to Arizona. Imagine the heat and sun everyday. Amazing. Plus, High School Musical was filmed there! squeee! Finally, college apps are ruining my life. I hate putting myself out there, and my grades are probably gonna land me in some dumb community college somewhere. I just had an interview, where I was told, "if you can't handle the workload in high school, don't even think of trying to apply to our college. You won't get in." WHAT THE HELL. Don't tell me that. I DO NOT want to hear it. Excuse my language. Another thing is that I'm becoming wayy too social. I hang out with friends and have fun way too much. My language is going down the drain. I watch too many movies. I spend too much money. I need to get back on track. Everything is happening. I'm stuck in the middle, and everyone is demanding stuff from me. I'm filled with regret, and uncertainty about the future, and no one is being nice. Even when they are, I feel kinda ergh. Like, when my neighbors told me, "oh, of course you're going to get to a (insert big name college name)." NO. I'M NOT. IT'S FAKE. YOU DON'T GIVE A SHIT. DON'T TRY TO FEED THAT JUNK TO ME. I want someone to just accept me for who I am, the truthful me. And like, I know I'm not helping myself, because I'm just putting up a facade for myself most of the time. But, when I try to be myself, I realize I don't really have a self. I am hollow. That, and people look at me strangely. I tried to come out and tell others about this predicament, but I'm so afraid she'll tell someone, and I will be screwed forever. I need to leave this place. I need to get somewhere far and erase the past. It's not meant to be known. But I think I'm gonna be stuck here for a while. No college will be willing to accept me. >.> Sigh. And I don't want to fish for compliments either. It makes me feel weak. I want to just, be, something. I...don't even know.

Rants about Life

The BANEs of my life. Okay maybe not really. But these things are horrible.

Ads: I hate using strongly negative words, but both of those are so annoying. On Outsourced, I finally got into the episode and its like 7 minutes in, and theres a SIXTY SECOND AD. Like. 1/7 ratio. asdfjldf. Is that website like craving money or something? because I can hold chats while watching outsourced, and still be okay. asdfjkl.

Taking TOO Long to Load: Yea. I'm watching Glee. It's brilliant. If you don't know about this tv show, then sorry kid, but you're out of the loop. Go google it or something. This show is like omnipresent. So I'm watching season 1 (yes, i'm know i'm behind) and since Fox doesn't have it anymore, I have to watch on sites that repost the episodes. Good thing: i can still watch! There is only 1 ad/episode! Bad thing: it loads SO SLOWLY. Like, 45 secs for every min of watching. afkanwefaef. This is a minor annoyance, and I can always let it load while I do something else. Not that much of a big deal, unless I really want/need to watch it right then and there. Plus, it doesn't happen too often, because Hi-Speed Internet FTW!

Firefox Crashing (the C++ runtime error one): The other errors don't happen as much, and when they happen, it's usually because I have 50 tabs open and firefox is bound to crash/be slow when that happens. The C++ runtime error thing does happen more frequently when I have a bunch of tabs open, but it can also happen when I only have a few tabs open too. It annoys me because I usually have a bunch of yt tabs open, and to restart the browser means I have to hear a cacophony of noises while I go through each tab and pause each one. It also stops me from working for 2 minutes while everything loads, and pplz think I've left them hanging while chatting. Not only that, but my livejournal inbox gets reopened, and I have to find the whatever I was looking at previously. My tumblr also scrolls back up to the top, and I haveta scroll back down and figure out where I was before/let it load, etc. It's annoying. GAH.

Outsourced

I never knew I'd like an American show this much. That show is fantabulous.

For those of you that don't know: it's when the company Mid-American Novelties's call center gets outsourced to India. The manager person who is in charge of the call center is then shipped to India to run the call center there. The differences between American and Indian culture are hilarious, not to mention when the American manager (Todd Dempsey) falls in love with an employee. As he tries to follow up on the girl, so many problems happen. A daring australian girl falls in love with him and he gets homesick. This show is still young, it's only been running for a few months, but ratings are going up. It is a bit vulgar and stuffs, but it's pg enough to be on tv, so yea.

I finished watching the 11 eps up in 3 days. That's how much I like it. Also, this Todd guy reminds me of a guy I once knew and had a crush on. He's so cute! I totally fangirled over him when I watched this show. His cuteness adds tremendously to the show, and I like comedy as well. xD

Stock Market Game

We suck at this. Last night, we were at 8% below the S&P index, but now, we're like at 11% below. SO FAIL. We could have done better if we just stayed safe and bought the s&p index. >.> More angst later.

Grease!

AHAHAH LMAO gotta watch this!

YG Auditions

So I was looking at their promo vid, and I couldn't help thinking that if I got an opportunity to go to Korea, the first thing I would do would be go meet Shinee.

Me: Hi! Let's be friends!
Shinee: Sure!
Together: Yayyy!

Huh. In my dreams.

SHINee Golden Disk Awards

Golden Disk Awards are prestigious awards, often nicknamed the Korean Grammys. After not really doing that well at MAMA Awards, they they did amazing at GDA! They got the Disk Bonsang and the Popularity Award. YAY! Not only that, they performed Lucifer with more hotness than ever before *squeals* Watch below!



VAMPIRE SHINEE: O. M. G. *fans self* Their super strong dancing plus strong beats in song throws all previous thoughts that they could live up to their 'The Whisper of the Lucifer' theme. Plus, jjong chair-sitting? For the first time in my life, I wish I was an inanimate object.

On a totally unrelated and cute note, they are still themselves when not in the spotlight!



So apparently the award ceremonies are really boring...cuz Jonghyun has to entertain himself with water pouring. xD In SM the Ballad, he acts so much more grown up and mature, and does not really fool around a lot, but with shinee, he's so adorkable!

I just saw this and it was amazing

Obsession by Shinee was an amazing song when it came out, and I still like to listen to it on my iPod, as one of my favorites. I didn't really understand why SHINee didn't make a MV for it or anything, when it is clearly one of the best songs in the album. Now I know. And, I am so excited!! I like. NEED. to see this.

i have a ton to say today

I kinda get the feeling that shinee is gonna break up soon, and it will be inevitable. it makes me so sad :(
jjong is off with his ballad group and his gf
onew is off with his musicals and hosting of mc
he has a ton of radio shows and all that he goes alone and solos/duets with a bunch of people
who knows what the rest are doing in the wings
and theyre not young anymore, the ballad group jjong is in has the member Jino, who is only 18, and jong is so much older than him
i can't look at shinee as young boys anymore, but grownup men.
there isnt that group bonding anymore, though they still live in the same dorm and all? (i think?)

it makes me realize that i'm growing up as well
time flies, and the past, is the past, unchangeable.
shinee will break up, just like dbsk and they will grow old
life moves on

yet, i still, have memories.

I saw this a while back, and I really liked it. Decided to post it here.

Black Friday

I haven't like legitly worked out in so long. Guh. Black Friday being the best event of the year in terms of shopping freaks like me, I woke up bright and early at 4 to get early bird sales. I must have spent so much money, I don't even know anymore. Anyways, I got these really furry hoodies that are SO WARM. Usually I wear toned down colors, but I was so sleep deprived I got red. It goes with black. like everything else. LOL. Plus, this winter it's like freaking cold. Like, 30. That like, never happens here. People are getting snow around here, for like, the first time in like, 20 years. Yea. Neither have I ever been this chilled to the bones. It's not windy or rainy. It's just cold. Like, not even the piercing kind. The one that just wraps its arms around you in a light huddle. It would be pleasant, if I wasn't wearing like 50 layers and still feeling the frozenness on my face as I breathe out steam. So. I got all prepped for winter. Tons of fleecy, furry clothes that shut out the cold. I even got some boots and a bunch of black jeans that soak up the weak winter sunshine. I was even tempted to get a long wool coat in prep for snow, until everyone talked me out of it.
On top of that, I got this nice shiny wallet. I liked my old wallet, but it was getting too old and small. I wanted a sleek, black wallet that made me look sophisticated. and when I got home, guess what. I found out it matched the brand of my black purse. Nine West freak. and that brand is known for their shoes T.T. But I like the clean look. It's awesome.
But nothing comes without its consequences. I died by like 2. I came home and promptly fell asleep. Neither did I get any hw done all day. and finals are coming up. afkafaw[efkae. Finally, my feet are like, sore. Like my calves, they like don't feel tired tired like after a long run and lactic acid builds up, but like, aerobic-ly exercising, the soreness that builds up over time and goes away in a long while as well. And, I have a headache, from dealing with huge crowds at tired hours, and like, the din in such a place.
wth. a day. black friday 2010.

Miss You - SM the Ballad

SM the Ballad. One of their tracks was revealed today. I'm so proud of you jjong! xDD

SHINee

So I've mostly kept my SHINee-ness off of this blog, because I usually don't go on this blog unless I feel the need to rant, and but today, I felt differently. Hurrah! xD Okay. I need to first say upfront. I AM SUPER ADDICTED TO KPOP. Like seriously. I like, follow with SHINee news like every single day. I tried to coerce myself out of doing so, like by telling everyone I was done with Kpop and all, but it did not work. At all. So, back to my shinee self.
Shinee has kinda become my comfort food kind of thing. They never fail to bring a smile to my face. I don't really know why I like them, like (and sorry Shawols and other shinee lovers), but they aren't as good-looking as some other people out there. People like Rain and Yoochun are are so much more ripped and pretty-faced. But for some reason their faces have grown on me. I am much more pleased to see their faces than even seeing some other big name band. Their dancing and singing are super awesome, some of the best around. Excellent by far. and the best in my opinion <3. One of my friends lately said that popularity does not equal talent, and I must agree, but being so shinee biased, I can't help but say, they do deserve the popularity they receive. Plus, some of the other artists come out as really lofty and all, and I really like shinee's luxurious idol image. It fits them so well. They do not have to hide their "luxurious" lifestyle. They are brand-name artists, obviously rich. But like, they also get to show their nice side. For instance, I always just want to hug Onew. He's so cute and cuddly. Like a giant teddy bear (:. Jonghyun is like the great guy friend that cares and understands, even though he's a guy. Minho gets the blood running by putting in the competitive edge, which is so heady. Key is the diva queen that elicits giggles from all around, not to mention the awesome beauty sense (black friday sales ftw!). Finally, Taemin, the cute kiddo that is such a great dancer. This prodigy inspires me. It takes so much effort behind-the-scenes to dance so well. All the sweat he must have perspired! He makes me work on, even when I'm super tired and I want to sleep. They all work so hard! The members represent excellent traits, and although it's probably SM that makes them work so hard/make them seem perfect yadayada, they really make me feel warm and good inside. This sounds super dumb, but like, when I go to Disney, I feel like I can actually believe the world can actually be a good place, a place where poverty is nonexistent, everyone is happy, and dreams come true. DISNEY LOVE <3

A Post from Oct 11, 2010

This is in journal entry format, because I wanted to do so. The names have been taken out as well. LIVE WITH IT.

Hey. It’s me. I know I barely ever talk to you, but I’m really in a squeeze now. I know I’m usually happy, and I should be really happy now and all, but I’m not. Here’s what’s on my mind.
I am horrible at school. I’m never happy at school, and doing homework is always such a pain. I always feel like it’s a burden to me. It never works. I come home fully intending to do all my homework and all, and be on top of things. Like, in [class name], for example. I am fully capable of acing every test/quiz, but I just never want to do homework. It’s only in the last moment right before school starts in the morning that I cram out everything. If I only read the textbook even once, I would have been fine, but no. I don’t want to. I just don’t want to. At first, I tried to fool myself by saying “oh, it’s okay, I’m simply using up all my time on sleep, and I’m not actually wasting time. I’m just catching up on sleep, and next on my agenda is homework”. So. Not. True. I wasn’t even that tired in the first place. I just slept so I could forget about everything. And now that I’m not tired anymore? I stay up and chat, watch youtube movies and read fanfiction. What joy. I don’t even really like doing those activites that much. But, since chatting requires that I keep my façade up, I can pretend to be happy for long stretches of time. But after all that, what do I get, a massive headache, and I just want to ditch the world for a while. Anways, that’s why I’ve been creating like a billion accounts online. So I can be happy. Youtube movies and fanfic are just mind-numbing. I usually read/watch the ones relating to Asian pop music, because they are so cheesy. They’re so awesome. So happy. I can just sit there and stare at the screen, and something unexpectedly cute or funny pops up and makes me smile. Another way to deceive myself. But this can’t last forever. Reality pops up. My grades are horrible. I have lots of B’s and maybe even a few C’s, especially for [class name], where I could be getting a B [[teacher name]'s class pulls standards down, no one has an A], but I’m sleeping at really odd hours and that’s screwing with my ability to think and write good in-class essays on the spot. So, I decided to really read My Antonia and the lit crits that go with it. And guess what. My Antonia is a book that’s on something really happy, until you get to the lit crits, and they describe something really dark and horrible. Great. So I try to get solace with friends and all, and I spend a long time chatting with them and all, and I feel like I’ve been building really strong relations with all of them. They all really understand me and accept me, but then again I’m not really showing them my true self. I show them a fluffy side that is passionate and gets really excited really easily, like my addiction for SHINee, but I never put any of my problems up for them. I just keep them all secret. I have moved on to more connections with them, but somehow I’m farther than ever. Plus, I feel like I always really want to be alone, but I’m afraid to. Like, starting like yesterday (October 10, 2010), I started feeling really sad. I went to take a nap just on the pretense of being tired, and I found that I couldn’t sleep. I just kinda laid there, and went oh. And thought about random things, anything that popped into my mind. I was college apps and how I had this whole schpeal ready for colleges, but I didn’t follow through at all. Then I thought about some random things I watch and realized, oh, this is the perfect time to cry. Yay. But I don’t cry about those things. I’m not soft hearted enough to do that. I’ve never cried after pitying myself. I just don’t. I even tried to dare myself in the past to cry about my own pitiful-ness before, and it doesn’t work. I always have hope. But guess what. Yesterday, I cried. I really thought it was over, and it wasn’t even the loud listen to me cry, but the silent, don’t look at me, I’m crying. My mom found me out, and she tried to console me, but I just pushed her away. I don’t mean to do that, but I don’t know how else to react. I’m not gonna get up and start doing college apps now hardyharhar. Thanks. About college apps. Right. So I had this whole thing set up, and right before they were due, I was in the whole denial stage and totally went kaboom. I’m not applying. Sorry. Trying to be all tough and all. Well my parents like screamed at me. Then they went all suck it it’s your own life. Then, they were like we’re disappointed, and went and told everyone about my failure to apply to college. Now everyone knows. They talked to a friend who talked to her niece in [place name] and told her to call me, and it was such an awkward convo. We went hi!, yay nice to meet you. When I was asked if I had anything to ask about, I was like, no. Great. And then, while blabbing on, she was trying to be all nice and avoid saying the you dun want to go to college part, but it was totally obvious that she was just trying to help and get her duty done and really regret agreeing to help her aunt. Great. And now, I want to go to college only kinda, and like, this whole situation is being blown out of control. Plus, that friend of my parents, emailed MY counselor, like this.
Subject: urgent appointment
Hi, [counselor name],
I am [my name]'s mom. She is a [grade level] student in [school name]. She is a
outstanding student in the school. But she suddenly changed maid for not
applying any college. At this critical time, the application deadline is
approaching, we 'd like to get your help.

We'd like to set up an appointment with you to discuss the matter as soon as
possible, without [my name] knows. (as all the students, she doesn't want parents
to involve it).

We believe you are the best one to help us, since she listens to you better than
us.
Thanks so much!
[mum name]

FROM HER OWN FRICKING EMAIL. So my counselor knows. And I’m supposed to be all out of the loop and all, but no, I’m not, and I’m pissed off that I’m not, cuz instead of talking to me, she goes for help first. Wtf. So fine. I could take it. My parents sold me out, and so did my parents’ friends. But it’s like parent things, not gonna affect me. What happens at home stays at home. It doesn’t really get into school that much anyways. Like my parents got me a counselor thingy at ShareWorld, and she’s been accosting me with her emails, but I just delete them. And they also got this other random kid that works from his own home (shady right?), and he emails me too, saying don’t worry I’ll take care of all of this. Well, looking from his contract, it’s just a scheme to get money. And my parents totally fall for it, and they set up all these appointments and all, and yell at me for not wanting to go. Can’t I have a say in this matter? Plus, when I try to tell them gently that maybe they should find diff counselors and compare them, they go eww. Theres no better counselor than that one. Well you haven’t checked, how do you know. There’s not gonna be any emoticons in this, cuz emoticons are cute and cheery, and that is so far from where I am right now. So fine. I can take it. I can even take my mom AND dad constantly randomly popping up where I am in the house and try to be secretive about it so they can secretly watch what I am doing. I have earphones on and I’m staring at the computer screen doesn’t mean I’m not aware of what my surroundings are. Even if I’m not aware, don’t sneak attack like that. It freaks the heck out of me. And when their cover is up, they come in and go whatcha doin’, and I usually am not doing anything productive homework wise. Not wanting to lie, I go yea, stuff. And they go, great. Well when are you gonna start college apps. I have them planned out. I am gonna do them. Don’t go all around blurting out what you think. It would be much appreciated. And when they realize that I haven’t finished them already [cuz they dunno at all what it takes to research 50 billion schools and pick the ones that suit me the best], they go FAIL FAIL YOURE GONNA END UP HOMELESS and YOURE DOOMED FOREVER IF YOU DON’T GO TO COLLEGE. First of all, not true. People can not go to college and still make a decent living. Second of all, life isn’t that bipolar. When I try to explain that to them, they go nuhuhhhh and leave it at that. With my sound arguments, that isn’t really a good comeback. Sorry. I remember in summer, they used to ask me what schools I wanted to apply to. I told them some of them. They went well this isn’t good and that isn’t good and blahblah. Sorry, but I really put a lot of thought into that, and I’m sorry you can’t accept my views. When I try to say back that maybe the only reason they want me to go to college is so that they can brag to their friends and that I want to go to any school not in Cali, cuz its too close and I dislike you all, they say WHATS UP WITH YOUR BRAIN, DO YOU HAVE BRAIN DAMAGE? NO. I don’t. I’m so tired and stressed out. Please leave me alone. That’s the best thing you can do. You don’t have to know where I am and what I’m doing at every second of the day. This leads me up to my final 24hr from I’m okay to I am so feeling horrible attitude right now. Yesterday, I was feeling really eww-y, and I was chatting with my good and trusted old friend/boyfriend [his name]. Well, you know, I like him, but hes not my super ideal type. He has a great attitude and all, but he’s really far, it’s a long distance relationship, his mom dislikes our family in general cuz of her pride and [name] is such an adolescent. He insists on licking me, and like, he doesn’t get some big picture things, like sometimes, I don’t want to be with him all the time. None of my friends understand that. Yesterday, I was talking to amy, and she told me to have a talk with [name], that if I don’t like him, then he has to know. He does know. I told him before. That’s why I haven’t blurted to the world that I am taken. DUH. And now [friend's name] is like, we have to have a talk, hes perfect for you, you have to either take it and admit it, or cut it out now, cuz hes gonna be so sad when you want to break up with him later. SORRY. I have to break up with you. Youre probably going to [university place], and I’m probably gonna leave for [place]. Its gonna be a diff atmosphere, and yadayada, and I’m not the type to be tied down. I don’t like to lose all my personal space at all times in the day, [friend name] and [another friend name] that goes for you too. Its great, but just not all the freaking time. I just haven’t really told you, cuz I’m like needy and I like to have friends around. But just not all the time. I don’t need to go online and [name] youre always there until I go to bed. I need to be able to talk with others. It’s getting really old now. So. I’m gonna start my giant hulabaloo about everything. Last night I had an annoyed talk with [name], yadayada, and [name] was talking to be about how I should spill, but right in the middle she was like I gotta leave cuz my sleep is more important. Bye.wtf. so I mean that much to you. And then, later, I went to sleep. I got up at like 11.30. FAIL. I never get up past like 10, even if its like going to bed at 4 AM, like last night. Ergh. I got up, did gov for the study session we had from 2-5 today. I was doing it, and my mom comes in and says, sorry I don’t think that will benefit you a lot. Why don’t you not go. WOW. WAY TO EVEN CONTROL MY SOCIAL AND SCHOOL LIFE. LET ME BE FREE. THANKS. There, everything is fine, but then, vynnie announces I have an A in gov, and all of a sudden [friend] is scowling at me. Wow. Just cuz your friend got an a, you scowl at me? Thanks. i thought that deca thing was over. Apparently not. And then, I’m explaining how much I suck because I don’t do any hw at home, and he comes over and goes, oh that’s what you say, but you actually work your butt off behind the scenes. Way to believe me. Also, every time I mention justin bieber or cody simpson in a group, they all go ewwww. Okay. Theyre singers. They sing girly, yes, and theyre young, but their singers and they can sing about whatever they want. I think their voices are fine and they look fine. Don’t bash them. So when I finally leave, I get home, and my mom asks why I’m wearing my new [club name] shirt. Cuz I want to. And well, I make the excuse that I wore it cuz it was huge and hasn’t been shrunk yet. Cuz it is big. And she goes, no it isn’t, its perfect fitting now. Thanks for calling me fat. And then, I want to go online and immerse myself in fanfic again, cuz im so tired of being rejected all the time, and but no. hw, or that senior questionnaire. HOW ABOUT NEITHER. So I do my hw. So I’m done with all the hw for tomo. and I was reading fanfic, and I came upon this. [url] This is the prequel to this set [url]. it’s so awesomely written. And so sad. I was like awww. Then, I checked my email for new emails, and guess what I got. I haven’t been to class for twice, but since it’s an once-a-week class, it’s been 2 weeks.
Subject: Hey you!
How are you? I hear you've been crazy busy, and I hear there's been some trouble dealing with your school.

I know you're feeling frustrated, and I know you're taking a rough load at school that's keeping you busy. Can we talk about it? Here, AIM, MSN, call me... whatever you like.

My AIM is [his aim]. My Yahoo is [yahoo]. My MSN is [msn]. My # is [phone number].
Dude he sounds desperate. It’s great that he cares, but I can totally tell that he’s trying to be all nice and flowery about the part where my PARENTS AGAIN, blabbed to everyone about my dislike for college. And usually I just go – glare – and leave it, but just now, I cried again. And I didn’t even like dare myself to cry. It just comes up, and tears come up, and my eyes feel wet. And everyone talks to me about college, and I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. But if they really want to talk about it, I can listen, so I don’t want to say don’t talk to me about it. But it’s so annoying listening to it all. It’s great that they all want to talk to me about it and all, but I don’t want to hear it day-in-day-out. I told my mom about this, and she goes, cuz it’s the only impt thing right now. And then, when she thinks I’m asleep, she blabs about how stupid [my name] is for not thinking about college. Way to twist my words. It’s the same meaning, but I want to have some credit for throwing out my feelings to you, not criticized. And I don’t want pity. So I’m not just gonna say random stuff out like that and elicit feelings from everyone. That’s just lame. So, I’m not even gonna go online right now. It’s too much for me to handle. So, I’m not gonna show anyone this, but I just want to write out my feelings. And this thing is so long, but it’s so precious, I don’t want anyone to hurt me anymore.

Thanks for listening
yayforsquealies