Rants

So I know I've been posting really annoyed angry posts lately, and I'm sorry to any readers out there. I'm having a bad time. My grades are probably gonna suck this semester, just cuz I couldn't bring myself to work, and I'm hating myself for it. It's raining buckets outside, and I hate humid, oppressive, rainy, sad weather. This is why I need to move to Arizona. Imagine the heat and sun everyday. Amazing. Plus, High School Musical was filmed there! squeee! Finally, college apps are ruining my life. I hate putting myself out there, and my grades are probably gonna land me in some dumb community college somewhere. I just had an interview, where I was told, "if you can't handle the workload in high school, don't even think of trying to apply to our college. You won't get in." WHAT THE HELL. Don't tell me that. I DO NOT want to hear it. Excuse my language. Another thing is that I'm becoming wayy too social. I hang out with friends and have fun way too much. My language is going down the drain. I watch too many movies. I spend too much money. I need to get back on track. Everything is happening. I'm stuck in the middle, and everyone is demanding stuff from me. I'm filled with regret, and uncertainty about the future, and no one is being nice. Even when they are, I feel kinda ergh. Like, when my neighbors told me, "oh, of course you're going to get to a (insert big name college name)." NO. I'M NOT. IT'S FAKE. YOU DON'T GIVE A SHIT. DON'T TRY TO FEED THAT JUNK TO ME. I want someone to just accept me for who I am, the truthful me. And like, I know I'm not helping myself, because I'm just putting up a facade for myself most of the time. But, when I try to be myself, I realize I don't really have a self. I am hollow. That, and people look at me strangely. I tried to come out and tell others about this predicament, but I'm so afraid she'll tell someone, and I will be screwed forever. I need to leave this place. I need to get somewhere far and erase the past. It's not meant to be known. But I think I'm gonna be stuck here for a while. No college will be willing to accept me. >.> Sigh. And I don't want to fish for compliments either. It makes me feel weak. I want to just, be, something. I...don't even know.