This is in journal entry format, because I wanted to do so. The names have been taken out as well. LIVE WITH IT.
Hey. It’s me. I know I barely ever talk to you, but I’m really in a squeeze now. I know I’m usually happy, and I should be really happy now and all, but I’m not. Here’s what’s on my mind.
I am horrible at school. I’m never happy at school, and doing homework is always such a pain. I always feel like it’s a burden to me. It never works. I come home fully intending to do all my homework and all, and be on top of things. Like, in [class name], for example. I am fully capable of acing every test/quiz, but I just never want to do homework. It’s only in the last moment right before school starts in the morning that I cram out everything. If I only read the textbook even once, I would have been fine, but no. I don’t want to. I just don’t want to. At first, I tried to fool myself by saying “oh, it’s okay, I’m simply using up all my time on sleep, and I’m not actually wasting time. I’m just catching up on sleep, and next on my agenda is homework”. So. Not. True. I wasn’t even that tired in the first place. I just slept so I could forget about everything. And now that I’m not tired anymore? I stay up and chat, watch youtube movies and read fanfiction. What joy. I don’t even really like doing those activites that much. But, since chatting requires that I keep my façade up, I can pretend to be happy for long stretches of time. But after all that, what do I get, a massive headache, and I just want to ditch the world for a while. Anways, that’s why I’ve been creating like a billion accounts online. So I can be happy. Youtube movies and fanfic are just mind-numbing. I usually read/watch the ones relating to Asian pop music, because they are so cheesy. They’re so awesome. So happy. I can just sit there and stare at the screen, and something unexpectedly cute or funny pops up and makes me smile. Another way to deceive myself. But this can’t last forever. Reality pops up. My grades are horrible. I have lots of B’s and maybe even a few C’s, especially for [class name], where I could be getting a B [[teacher name]'s class pulls standards down, no one has an A], but I’m sleeping at really odd hours and that’s screwing with my ability to think and write good in-class essays on the spot. So, I decided to really read My Antonia and the lit crits that go with it. And guess what. My Antonia is a book that’s on something really happy, until you get to the lit crits, and they describe something really dark and horrible. Great. So I try to get solace with friends and all, and I spend a long time chatting with them and all, and I feel like I’ve been building really strong relations with all of them. They all really understand me and accept me, but then again I’m not really showing them my true self. I show them a fluffy side that is passionate and gets really excited really easily, like my addiction for SHINee, but I never put any of my problems up for them. I just keep them all secret. I have moved on to more connections with them, but somehow I’m farther than ever. Plus, I feel like I always really want to be alone, but I’m afraid to. Like, starting like yesterday (October 10, 2010), I started feeling really sad. I went to take a nap just on the pretense of being tired, and I found that I couldn’t sleep. I just kinda laid there, and went oh. And thought about random things, anything that popped into my mind. I was college apps and how I had this whole schpeal ready for colleges, but I didn’t follow through at all. Then I thought about some random things I watch and realized, oh, this is the perfect time to cry. Yay. But I don’t cry about those things. I’m not soft hearted enough to do that. I’ve never cried after pitying myself. I just don’t. I even tried to dare myself in the past to cry about my own pitiful-ness before, and it doesn’t work. I always have hope. But guess what. Yesterday, I cried. I really thought it was over, and it wasn’t even the loud listen to me cry, but the silent, don’t look at me, I’m crying. My mom found me out, and she tried to console me, but I just pushed her away. I don’t mean to do that, but I don’t know how else to react. I’m not gonna get up and start doing college apps now hardyharhar. Thanks. About college apps. Right. So I had this whole thing set up, and right before they were due, I was in the whole denial stage and totally went kaboom. I’m not applying. Sorry. Trying to be all tough and all. Well my parents like screamed at me. Then they went all suck it it’s your own life. Then, they were like we’re disappointed, and went and told everyone about my failure to apply to college. Now everyone knows. They talked to a friend who talked to her niece in [place name] and told her to call me, and it was such an awkward convo. We went hi!, yay nice to meet you. When I was asked if I had anything to ask about, I was like, no. Great. And then, while blabbing on, she was trying to be all nice and avoid saying the you dun want to go to college part, but it was totally obvious that she was just trying to help and get her duty done and really regret agreeing to help her aunt. Great. And now, I want to go to college only kinda, and like, this whole situation is being blown out of control. Plus, that friend of my parents, emailed MY counselor, like this.
Subject: urgent appointment
Hi, [counselor name],
I am [my name]'s mom. She is a [grade level] student in [school name]. She is a
outstanding student in the school. But she suddenly changed maid for not
applying any college. At this critical time, the application deadline is
approaching, we 'd like to get your help.
We'd like to set up an appointment with you to discuss the matter as soon as
possible, without [my name] knows. (as all the students, she doesn't want parents
to involve it).
We believe you are the best one to help us, since she listens to you better than
us.
Thanks so much!
[mum name]
FROM HER OWN FRICKING EMAIL. So my counselor knows. And I’m supposed to be all out of the loop and all, but no, I’m not, and I’m pissed off that I’m not, cuz instead of talking to me, she goes for help first. Wtf. So fine. I could take it. My parents sold me out, and so did my parents’ friends. But it’s like parent things, not gonna affect me. What happens at home stays at home. It doesn’t really get into school that much anyways. Like my parents got me a counselor thingy at ShareWorld, and she’s been accosting me with her emails, but I just delete them. And they also got this other random kid that works from his own home (shady right?), and he emails me too, saying don’t worry I’ll take care of all of this. Well, looking from his contract, it’s just a scheme to get money. And my parents totally fall for it, and they set up all these appointments and all, and yell at me for not wanting to go. Can’t I have a say in this matter? Plus, when I try to tell them gently that maybe they should find diff counselors and compare them, they go eww. Theres no better counselor than that one. Well you haven’t checked, how do you know. There’s not gonna be any emoticons in this, cuz emoticons are cute and cheery, and that is so far from where I am right now. So fine. I can take it. I can even take my mom AND dad constantly randomly popping up where I am in the house and try to be secretive about it so they can secretly watch what I am doing. I have earphones on and I’m staring at the computer screen doesn’t mean I’m not aware of what my surroundings are. Even if I’m not aware, don’t sneak attack like that. It freaks the heck out of me. And when their cover is up, they come in and go whatcha doin’, and I usually am not doing anything productive homework wise. Not wanting to lie, I go yea, stuff. And they go, great. Well when are you gonna start college apps. I have them planned out. I am gonna do them. Don’t go all around blurting out what you think. It would be much appreciated. And when they realize that I haven’t finished them already [cuz they dunno at all what it takes to research 50 billion schools and pick the ones that suit me the best], they go FAIL FAIL YOURE GONNA END UP HOMELESS and YOURE DOOMED FOREVER IF YOU DON’T GO TO COLLEGE. First of all, not true. People can not go to college and still make a decent living. Second of all, life isn’t that bipolar. When I try to explain that to them, they go nuhuhhhh and leave it at that. With my sound arguments, that isn’t really a good comeback. Sorry. I remember in summer, they used to ask me what schools I wanted to apply to. I told them some of them. They went well this isn’t good and that isn’t good and blahblah. Sorry, but I really put a lot of thought into that, and I’m sorry you can’t accept my views. When I try to say back that maybe the only reason they want me to go to college is so that they can brag to their friends and that I want to go to any school not in Cali, cuz its too close and I dislike you all, they say WHATS UP WITH YOUR BRAIN, DO YOU HAVE BRAIN DAMAGE? NO. I don’t. I’m so tired and stressed out. Please leave me alone. That’s the best thing you can do. You don’t have to know where I am and what I’m doing at every second of the day. This leads me up to my final 24hr from I’m okay to I am so feeling horrible attitude right now. Yesterday, I was feeling really eww-y, and I was chatting with my good and trusted old friend/boyfriend [his name]. Well, you know, I like him, but hes not my super ideal type. He has a great attitude and all, but he’s really far, it’s a long distance relationship, his mom dislikes our family in general cuz of her pride and [name] is such an adolescent. He insists on licking me, and like, he doesn’t get some big picture things, like sometimes, I don’t want to be with him all the time. None of my friends understand that. Yesterday, I was talking to amy, and she told me to have a talk with [name], that if I don’t like him, then he has to know. He does know. I told him before. That’s why I haven’t blurted to the world that I am taken. DUH. And now [friend's name] is like, we have to have a talk, hes perfect for you, you have to either take it and admit it, or cut it out now, cuz hes gonna be so sad when you want to break up with him later. SORRY. I have to break up with you. Youre probably going to [university place], and I’m probably gonna leave for [place]. Its gonna be a diff atmosphere, and yadayada, and I’m not the type to be tied down. I don’t like to lose all my personal space at all times in the day, [friend name] and [another friend name] that goes for you too. Its great, but just not all the freaking time. I just haven’t really told you, cuz I’m like needy and I like to have friends around. But just not all the time. I don’t need to go online and [name] youre always there until I go to bed. I need to be able to talk with others. It’s getting really old now. So. I’m gonna start my giant hulabaloo about everything. Last night I had an annoyed talk with [name], yadayada, and [name] was talking to be about how I should spill, but right in the middle she was like I gotta leave cuz my sleep is more important. Bye.wtf. so I mean that much to you. And then, later, I went to sleep. I got up at like 11.30. FAIL. I never get up past like 10, even if its like going to bed at 4 AM, like last night. Ergh. I got up, did gov for the study session we had from 2-5 today. I was doing it, and my mom comes in and says, sorry I don’t think that will benefit you a lot. Why don’t you not go. WOW. WAY TO EVEN CONTROL MY SOCIAL AND SCHOOL LIFE. LET ME BE FREE. THANKS. There, everything is fine, but then, vynnie announces I have an A in gov, and all of a sudden [friend] is scowling at me. Wow. Just cuz your friend got an a, you scowl at me? Thanks. i thought that deca thing was over. Apparently not. And then, I’m explaining how much I suck because I don’t do any hw at home, and he comes over and goes, oh that’s what you say, but you actually work your butt off behind the scenes. Way to believe me. Also, every time I mention justin bieber or cody simpson in a group, they all go ewwww. Okay. Theyre singers. They sing girly, yes, and theyre young, but their singers and they can sing about whatever they want. I think their voices are fine and they look fine. Don’t bash them. So when I finally leave, I get home, and my mom asks why I’m wearing my new [club name] shirt. Cuz I want to. And well, I make the excuse that I wore it cuz it was huge and hasn’t been shrunk yet. Cuz it is big. And she goes, no it isn’t, its perfect fitting now. Thanks for calling me fat. And then, I want to go online and immerse myself in fanfic again, cuz im so tired of being rejected all the time, and but no. hw, or that senior questionnaire. HOW ABOUT NEITHER. So I do my hw. So I’m done with all the hw for tomo. and I was reading fanfic, and I came upon this. [url] This is the prequel to this set [url]. it’s so awesomely written. And so sad. I was like awww. Then, I checked my email for new emails, and guess what I got. I haven’t been to class for twice, but since it’s an once-a-week class, it’s been 2 weeks.
Subject: Hey you!
How are you? I hear you've been crazy busy, and I hear there's been some trouble dealing with your school.
I know you're feeling frustrated, and I know you're taking a rough load at school that's keeping you busy. Can we talk about it? Here, AIM, MSN, call me... whatever you like.
My AIM is [his aim]. My Yahoo is [yahoo]. My MSN is [msn]. My # is [phone number].
Dude he sounds desperate. It’s great that he cares, but I can totally tell that he’s trying to be all nice and flowery about the part where my PARENTS AGAIN, blabbed to everyone about my dislike for college. And usually I just go – glare – and leave it, but just now, I cried again. And I didn’t even like dare myself to cry. It just comes up, and tears come up, and my eyes feel wet. And everyone talks to me about college, and I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. But if they really want to talk about it, I can listen, so I don’t want to say don’t talk to me about it. But it’s so annoying listening to it all. It’s great that they all want to talk to me about it and all, but I don’t want to hear it day-in-day-out. I told my mom about this, and she goes, cuz it’s the only impt thing right now. And then, when she thinks I’m asleep, she blabs about how stupid [my name] is for not thinking about college. Way to twist my words. It’s the same meaning, but I want to have some credit for throwing out my feelings to you, not criticized. And I don’t want pity. So I’m not just gonna say random stuff out like that and elicit feelings from everyone. That’s just lame. So, I’m not even gonna go online right now. It’s too much for me to handle. So, I’m not gonna show anyone this, but I just want to write out my feelings. And this thing is so long, but it’s so precious, I don’t want anyone to hurt me anymore.
Thanks for listening
yayforsquealies
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