home is where the heart is when the leaves don't sink or fall, but my heart is so exhausted and two sizes too small."
cr: jonghyunnie.tumblr.com
so agreed. so like. i just came back from deca. I failed. well not totally. I got onstage and all, and I got into top 8, but I've done the same general topic for 4 years. I've done the same comp for 2 years. People who've done that comp for that long have gotten 1st place. easily. but as for me, i didn't even get into top 3. Our adviser was counting on me to lead the other two members from our chapter into a sweep for our school in this event. The other two members got 1st and 2nd place, and what did I get? I got like 4th. wth. I am so horrible. I've let so many people down. Not only that, but I worked hard. I barely slept for the past two weeks. I want to get something back. After the awards ceremony, I was "doing hw", but really, I just wanted to curl up in a corner and cry. Plus, my friends "borrowed" my calculator and my pencil, both of which i really like using, and then lost them. Thanks. Just saying. Also, I didn't place on the business plan I worked so hard on. I worked harder on my business plan than on my series event. Neither did i get anything for the business math, econ and deca knowledge test, all of them which i took hours out of my day to take, and forego going out and chillin', even though they convinced me otherwise. And i'm afraid my partner is going to be like, oh we didn't win, so let's just drop this comp now. I actually really like spending time with my partner, and I'm really gonna miss her presence later on, if she stops competing. She's so reliable, compared to my unstable self, and I really want to thank her for everything she's done. I know all good things will come to an end, and I'm prepared to take it, and live strong through it.
i'm really glad to be home. a lot of drama happened last night, and I just want to get away from it all. We had some drug problems and going into the opposite gender's rooms, which resulted in a bunch of pplz getting in trouble and some even being sent home, and also the fog machine during the dance made the smoke alarm go off, which a;; but freaked me out. Also, my friend with high heels tripped and had to ice her ankle, and our chapter's obnoxiousness that really embarrasses me, and i've eaten with my partner and her family so many times, and her mom is always the one who pays, and I need to repay her, and I intended to do so during norcal, but I totally forgot because I have so many things on my mind, and there are so many things gone wrong. my partner tried to cheer me up, and I really like her for doing that. I always enjoy a good pillow fight. I want to be normal again, but i really don't know how. I don't want to further trouble her, but I can tell she's worried. I've gotten too close to be able to cover everything up. she can always tell how I feel.
I want to be alone again, and just sleep everything off. my heart needs to have a break, and it's true. time at home doesnt go according to time, but to moments. I know everyones kinda feeling iffy right now, and it's the ripe time to be all nice and caring, but really, i'm wrapped up in my own beeswax. I'm really happy for everyone that had a great time and all at deca, and even those who won, though I feel like my smiles aren't really genuine. I really do feel happy for you guys though. I've just got a lot on my mind. My heart seems to have gotten smaller that way. It's icy. >.> I've got barely any hw, true, but I do have a bunch of other comps to do for math-y, science-y comps and do all that financial aid stuffs for college. Plus, since my grades were so sucky last semester, i feel an obligation to do better this semester. I also feel others kinda prying into my business, and I feel really exposed. There are certain things I barely reveal to anyone, and I don't really want others cross-analyzing me to find out more than I want them to. Life has too many layers, and some need to stay hidden. I'm a more quiet kid, and I need my personal space. I bet if you knew all of me, you would hate me.
I'm so stressed that I can barely sleep. I have this thing in which I can only sleep for a few hours at best, before waking up and not being able to sleep anymore, though I'm really tired, and when I stand up, my head spins and I have a horrible headache. I try not to complain, but my body language says otherwise. I'm always forgetting things, and I feel so hopeless. I'm so exhausted. I'm tired of being inferior, of being second-hand. I know I have high expectations, but what can I say.
Plus, I feel kinda sick. One of my friends is "kinda sick", which means she was sick before, and only "kinda sick" now. She was eating Airborne yesterday though, so hm. She said it was preventive measures. I knew I had a fermenting sick period coming up, and I wanted to delay it to after norcal. This morning I woke up with a scratchy throat. It wasn't completely sore though, just kinda scratchy, and I felt disoriented. Maybe its cuz we slept with the ac on and thin blankets, or maybe cuz my friend gave me her cold, or maybe I've just been too stressed/sleeping little/eating at weird times/not caring for myself/blah, but I could be getting sick soon. It's not anything new to get sick, and it's like the perfect time, cuz its so down time now, and I have the mlk jr. holiday, day off from school tomo, so yea, but yea. I don't even know what I want. This is so depressing. >.>
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