Having a Stable Thing to Latch Onto

This sounds like the perfect solution to insecurities. Whether something is going wrong, and you need something to make you feel good, or maybe you just feel like you're over your head, and you want something familiar. Either way, you need something that makes you feel good, safe, valued, all those positive feelings. I feel like I've spent my whole life doing the same thing. Whenever something goes wrong, I have to do something that feels good to balance out the negative feelings. Right now, my thing is fangirling over Shinee and having their "godlike" images soothe me. I'm really jumpy though. I change my interests a lot. Call me unstable, call me bubblehead, call me shallow, call me blonde, call me anything. Guess what. I am what I am. I spend a bunch of time looking for something constant that will always make me happy, and that one thing that I thought I could keep constant, changes. Then, I become really sad for a while before I start the process all over again. I used to latch onto things/people really hard, then would be really hurt when I was rejected, but now I know better. I don't latch on as tightly, giving my inner heart a little bit of space, so I'm not devastated. I focus my inner strength to be independent. I dunno why I'm suddenly feeling like I should stop latching onto things and feel the roller coaster of emotions. Haven't I been constantly telling everyone to live life as it comes at you? To experience emotions to the fullest? Life isn't going to wait for you if you decide that you want to wait. I'm not going to remember a lot of the bad experiences either, dulled by time. I am going to remember the really happy times, and how amazing life is at the end. I dunno. Even music tells people to exaggerate dynamics, in dance, the popping must be precise and astounding, unpredictable. Whenever I comment on something, I usually take the hyperbolic path, when I comfort someone, I overdo it to make sure the person feels appreciated. I'm not so sure that everyone does the same back to me though. People are criticizing me for being too "girly", and too "overexaggerated", and a "drama queen". Guys are like, oh that girl who makes fail jokes. Sorry if I'm trying to make everyone feel better and loosen the atmosphere. Sorry if I'm trying to act a bit awesome so that people can like me. I want to feel accepted too. I'm only human after all. This is why I really like jinki. He's such a strong leader. I hate how people bash him all the time. He can provide comfort for the other members, even when he's reeling on the inside. I try to do that too, but sometimes I just feel like a bottomless pit. I put on bright, multicolored nail polish, just to change things up a bit, and now, what. People think I'm changing. They ask me when I'm going to take it off. Can't I be a girl, and still be accepted? Do I have to keep a low profile, because that's my image? I know I usually keep quiet, just because I don't have much to say, and I'm not in the best condition. But guess what. Sometimes, I want to be in the spotlight too. Just because me and my friends are kinda touchy feely and hug each other/link arms to make each other feel accepted, does not mean we are gay. We are normal. I'm supposed to be doing homework right now. I have a lot to do, and I'm kinda backlogged. Deadlines are coming up. I'm always tired. I'm under a ton of pressure. I really liked this one pic I saw about this girl that said, she sleeps a lot because she doesn't destroy her world further when she's asleep. I feel like, I'm kinda doing the same thing, avoiding everything. I read actual books to whisk me away from real life. I read fanfiction. I follow guys from halfway across the world. All to get away from life. And yet, it comes back to haunt me. I dunno if its just me, but I've started to cry a lot more too. It just hurts. This suffocation of the heart. I really admire people who are able to put it all out there. Even though I wear red on the outside, I feel like I'm enshrouded in black on the inside. [It's actually a good color scheme :O.] Not even the hot black that shinee is in, but the black of feels like I have nowhere to go. I dunno what to do. sigh. It's really sucking. I'm not making sense. I'm jumping all over place. Just had to get this out. Thanks for listening. Peace. I'm out. yayforsquealies.